The Past is There Behind Me // Honest to Blog

When I was in high school I had this idea of what my life would be like when I graduated... and then it wasn't anything like that at all. I didn't have many friends and I spent a lot of my time off work bored and lonely. I wasn't happy with where my life was but I was too unhappy to see how unhappy I was - do you know what I mean? It was a like a slight depression that wasn't bad enough to make me change anything in my life, but just bad enough to keep me from being happy in my life. But God works everything out in his own perfect time, and as sad, and emotionally wrecked as I was when my kitty died last year, it was exactly the kick in the pants that I needed. That made me miserable enough to do something about it. I started running - which made me feel happy and confident again - and the rest just followed. It was my own little miracle.

Somehow everything just fell into place. I have a great job. It may not be my dream job, but I'm on the way to my dream job. I have friends - friends that live less than an hour from me that I hang out with. I look in the mirror, and I don't hate what I see. For the first time in a long time ever I feel like I'm going somewhere, and I like where I'm going. For the first time in a long time I feel like myself - but it's more than that. I feel like the best version of myself I've ever been.

I've never kept a journal, so my blog has always been that for me. This week I've been looking back at some of my old posts from last summer, and I just can't believe how far I've come. I was hurt by how ex-friends had treated me; sad that I didn't have a "best friend" anymore; struggling to  have the confidence to be true to myself and not feel like a dork 90% of the time; and desperately wanting to heal from 20 years of heartache. As I sit here and type this I can't honestly say that I'm healed. I can't honestly say that I'm not still hurt by the way people have treated me during my short time on this earth so far - but the list is definitely shorter than it was last year. I'm comfortable in my own skin; I know who my friends are and who I want in my life and who I don't need in my life. I've been to hell and back and by God's grace it hasn't hardened my heart. He's showed me by His perfect grace how get through this.

That's not to say, though, that I don't still have a long way to go. I'd love to say that I'm not scared anymore, but that would be a lie. I'm still terrified at a lot in life - I've overcome a whole lot of fears - but I still have a long way to go. But now I actually feel like I am going somewhere. I'm not stagnant anymore. I have a goal. A path. A road to follow - and that excites me! God has worked miracles in my life in the last year, and I can't wait to see where He takes me this year.

Love is a High Speed Chase Racing Down the Street // What I Wore

{dress//Forever 21 :: belt//Target :: jacket//Old Navy via Ebay :: shoes//Me Too :: jewelry//borrowed from work :: purse//Francesca's}

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I'm coming after you

(Love is a high speed chase racing down the street)

- I'm Coming After You by Owl City

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I can't even tell you all how excited I am that it's finally June! I don't know about the rest of you, but I have big plans for this summer. State Fairs, the renaissance faire, classic car shows, the outdoor movie theater, miniature golf - you name it and I'm going to do it this summer!

I feel like I didn't really take full advantage of having a car and spending money last summer (probably because I didn't have many friends in the area) so this summer I want to do everything I've missed out on the last couple years. I think I'm off to a pretty good start, too, considering that I've already been the drive-in (even though it was freezing!) and I have the Saturday the 21st off of work, which is part of one of the neighboring towns around here's "Nostalgia Days," complete with classic car show! 

Summer, I'm coming after you!

Days are Good & That's the Way it Should Be // What I Wore

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I think the universe is on my side

Heaven and Earth have finally aligned

Days are good and thats they way it should be

~ Bright by Echosmith

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Am I the only one who feels like everyone is getting into relationships lately?? Miss Lauren of Someone Like You just recently a wrote a post about marriage/weddings and it - on top of all my friends newly changed FaceBook relationship statuses - has really got me thinking about the whole thing. One of these days I want to write a post about the whole "courtship vs dating" debate, but I don't want to get into that yet. 

I just always find it so interesting to hear people my age say they don't want to get married young - for as long as I can remember I wanted to be married young. My mom was married when she was 25 and had me immediately - and while I definitely don't always hold my parents' relationship as the ideal relationship, I know that I do want to have kids while I'm still young enough to run and play with them. 

After high-school all I wanted was a boyfriend. I was tired of being single and - quite honestly - just unhappy with my life and wanted a change. And then God changed my life. I can't explain it any better than just "God opened my eyes." I realized how miserable I was in my life and set about to change it. I started running, lost weight, got a better job, and just got happy with my life! All of a sudden I found that I didn't "need" a guy in my life as much as I thought I did. I found myself thinking that if it happened, great! But if not I'll be ok. I'm happy with who I am and where my life is going.

Having said that, I do still want to be married someday. I want that companionship and love and I still believe it exists (despite all the terrible examples I've seen and continue to see in my life). I also want to have kids, and I'm not about wasting my time in the mean time. I don't need a boy friend, but if I'm going to put time and effort into dating, it's going to be with someone who shares the same goals/values as me, and wants the same things I want in life. I don't need a boy friend, but if I'm going to have one it's not going to be just a fling. You know what I mean?

Anyway, those were just my late-night thoughts last night. I'd love to hear other thoughts on topic, so if you have any please comment and share them!